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I know i don’t post on here a lot anymore but i need to vent.

I don’t know why i try so hard. I try hard to help family and i try so hard to be a good friend. I work my ass off at the jobs I’ve had only to get shit canned when they need a scapegoat, or i don’t get any recognition for my hard work at the jobs i have stayed at.

These days the thing i try my hardest at is trying to find someone that will make me happy so i don’t have to be so alone. Sometimes i wish i never ventured into the world of love. I was happy with my cat and my tumblr and the internet. But i was curious and i wanted to see what it was like to be with a guy. So i explored and i experimented. It was fun. Then he came along. He changed everything. I fell in love. He was the first guy that asked me to be his girlfriend and showed an interest in me besides wanting to have sex with me. I was always the girl that guys wanted to have fun with behind closed doors but never wanted to be with me in public.

It was rocky in the beginning and we did break up for 3 months, it was devastating for me, then we found each other again. I fell in love all over again, this time harder. We were together for a year. Things started to change in him for the last 6 months of our relationship though. I could feel him slipping away. I knew he wasn’t attracted to me anymore but i tried so hard to hold on but i finally let go. We weren’t happy and he wasn’t willing to give me the time i wanted with him even though he said he loved me and wanted to marry me. I think maybe he cared what his family thought of me too much. He had told me months before that when he was visiting family he had told his dad about me and that i was a little chunky. His dad laughed and made fun of him. After that his behavior changed and he pulled away. I didn’t understand why he cared so much about what they thought if he said he loved me. It disappointed me that i loved him so much and he showed me he could care less if i left or not. A lot went on in our relationship and it took me months after our anniversary to get up the courage to leave. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do so far in my life.

A few months after it was over i was still missing him. I texted him and asked if he wanted to fool around. I thought if i can’t be in a relationship with him i could at least see him and have some fun. He said he wanted to and that was back in January. Its almost march in a few days and i still haven’t seen him. I got the feeling maybe he didn’t want to so i went looking for someone else to fill the hole he left in my life.

I had found someone and he was a perfect gentleman. We had a great time. I found myself getting excited for the future. I had hope. An hour after our date he told me he had a great time and he wanted to do it again. We had decided on a Thursday (yesterday). Thursday came, i had gone to class that morning and then came home and got ready. I had sent a text that morning asking if we were still hanging out. As far as i knew we were, i was just double checking. I was so excited. When i got home after class i got all dressed up. I had even bought a new dress. Hours passed and i hadn’t heard anything. In the back of my mind i knew i was going to be let down once again by a man i liked. I called but he didn’t answer.I’m pretty sure i was stood up.

I’m always rejected. I’m never good enough for anyone.

I should just give up.

— 3 months ago